


You're Fucking Useless, Paul

by Perkalil



Category: The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid
Genre: F/M, Hospitals, Sickfic, Swearing, Ted's not an asshole, Tedgens if you squint, playing down illness, vomit tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-19
Updated: 2019-11-24
Packaged: 2021-02-13 10:14:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21492652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Perkalil/pseuds/Perkalil
Summary: Emma is sick and Paul is a nervous wreck. Ted is sick of having to deal with it so he steps in. It's definitely not how he planned spending his day and it's about to get a lot worse.
Relationships: Paul Matthews/Emma Perkins
Comments: 6
Kudos: 61





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A sickfic came into my brain and I basically word-vomited this out. It's a two parter because I felt it was getting a little lengthy! Hope you enjoy!

“Em?” Paul flinched beside the locked door has he heard his girlfriend retch again. She had been up since nearly two in the morning, alternating between throwing up and napping until the nausea woke her up again. She had locked herself in the bathroom and Paul felt helpless; she never let him help her when she got sick, she was too stubborn to accept it. But it was nearing seven ‘o clock and he needed to get to work; it was too late to call off now. “Emma, can you hear me?” a low groan from the other side of the door was probably as much confirmation as he was going to get. “I have to get going to work, I already called Nora and let her know you couldn’t make it in today. Please let me know if you need anything, I’ll keep my phone turned on so all you have to do is call or text, okay?” A mumble, then more retching. “I love you Emma”

“Love you. Go!” Emma’s voice was muffled by the door, but the sentiment still came through. Paul grinned even though she couldn’t see him, and hustled out of the house after checking his watch. Shoot, he was going to be late for the morning meeting!

  
  


* * *

Paul sipped at the coffee he had made at work, pulling a face at the taste. It wasn’t nearly as good as Beanie’s coffee, even Emma had admitted it one day when she dropped by and snuck a taste. She had made a joke about that's why he thought her coffee was great, and even Bill laughed at that. Now drinking this coffee only made him anxious for Emma; she hadn’t called or texted and he’d already been at work for an hour. He had all but blocked out Mr. Davidson’s voice as he droned on about a new password policy for computers when he felt a nudge at his side. Paul’s head jerked up a bit to see Ted pushing a little wad of paper towards him, trying to look like he was paying attention. Paul picked it up and unwrapped it as silently as he could to see Ted’s messy scrawl.

_ So, did you and your little barista get some last night? You look pretty tired. _

Paul flushed beet red immediately at the words, glaring back at Ted. All he offered was a smirk as he lifted his own mug, taking a lengthy sip from his coffee. The meeting ended quickly after that and Paul attempted to get back to his cubicle as quickly as possible, only to be stopped by the mustached creep.

“So? Ya gonna answer my question Paul?” He was leaning against the hallway wall, effectively blocking Paul from entering his section of the office. Paul was starting to get irritated; he just wanted to get back to his desk to send Emma text to check up on her. “Did you get some? Get laid? Do the horizontal tango with your little lady?”

“Jesus, Ted, why do you have to ask?!” Paul threw up his hands in frustration, a little bit of coffee spilling out of his mug. Ted chuckled, seeming to enjoy his reaction.

“No reason, my man, just trying to figure out why you’re so tired. You zoned out completely during that meeting and missed a couple questions Davidson shot at ya. Bill covered for you, but barely.” Paul tried to push past him, but Ted placed a hand on his chest to keep him there. “But if you didn’t get any last night, I’m not really that interested in it. So just tell me and I’ll be on my merry way.”

“No Ted, I did not… get any.” He cringed at the phrasing, but Ted seemed satisfied, nodding disappointingly. “Now, if you’ll-” He was cut off by the sound of his phone in his back pocket. Paul reached for it immediately and saw Emma’s contact picture pop up. She was at the Hachetfield Pier and posing dramatically along the railing. He loved that picture. Paul opened up his phone and held the phone up to his ear, ignoring Ted’s questioning look. “Em? How you doing?”

“Paul.” Her voice was breathy like she wasn’t getting enough air, and Paul tensed in worry. “‘M not doing too good.”

“Do you need me to come home? What can I do?” He turned around, his back to Ted since he was still hanging around, clearly listening in and trying not to as he sipped his coffee.

“Dunno, I…” she trailed off, her breathing still coming through.

“Emma?!” Paul spoke a little louder than necessary and he heard Charlotte’s little squeak of surprise from a few cubicles away, but he didn’t care. 

“Paul? Are you home?” Her voice sounded further away, like she took the phone away from her ear. A whooshing sound and then a loud clatter came form the other end of the line, and then it went dead. Paul hung up the phone and swore under his breath. She was clearly delusional, it was a lot more than just stomach stuff like she had said this morning. He ran his fingers roughly through his hair and turned back around, his anxiety turning into anger at the sight of Ted gaping at him. 

“I have to get home, can you move? Or tell Mr. Davidson that I had to leave?” Again, Paul tried to move around the other man but was stopped.

“Buddy, don’t you remember what day it is?” Ted’s voice had gained an uncharacteristically sympathetic tone. Somehow that made Paul even more worked up than his normal dickish behavior.

“No, Ted, I don’t. And frankly, I don’t care, because Emma is a lot sicker than what she let on before I left for work and I need to go make sure she’s okay.” 

“Paul, it’s March 21st.” Ted took another sip of his coffee and Paul was stiff with shock. March 21st. It was his turn to create the quarterly report for his department and he had been putting it off.

“Shoot! That report has to be due by the end of today and I’ve barely gotten started on it! I’ll have to be here all day!”

“Yeah, Davidson was trying to ask if you had been making progress on it and Bill assured him it was nearly done. If I hadn’t spoken up because I know you procrastinated on it he would have had it due by your lunch break.” Paul raked his hands through his hair again. What the hell was he gonna do?

“I have to go check in on Emma, I can’t just leave her at home alone all day!” Ted clapped a hand on Paul’s shoulder unexpectedly and he jumped.

“Listen, here’s what’s gonna happen. You’ll stay here and write up the quarterly report, because I do not want to have to sit in a meeting about productive use of time and the importance of having time management or whatever other bullshit Davidson is gonna come up with to punish the whole office. I can go take a look at Emma because I have nothing better to do and you’ll work faster if you’re not shitting yourself thinking about her. Got it? Give me your house key so I can get in.” Ted reached out his hand expectantly after his little speech, waiting.

Paul was still trying to catch up. “What?!” 

Ted rolled his eyes and muttered “You’re fucking useless, Paul” under his breath. “Your house key, hand it over. I’ll go check on your girlfriend and you can get to work on that report. Don’t argue with me about this, the longer you sit and chat the less time you have to work.” 

“Thank you, Ted, you don’t know how much this means to-”

“Why are you still talking to me?! Give me you damn key and hurry along!”

  
  


* * *

  
  


Ted turned the key in the front door lock, opening and closing it quickly to keep the rainy weather outside. He closed up his umbrella and kicked off his shoes, leaving them at the front door as he re-locked it. He slipped off his jacket and set it on a chair in the living room, stepping further into the house. It was really quiet and the lights were all turned off, and if he wasn’t sure that Emma was here he would’ve thought that it was empty.

“Yo, Emma!” He called through the house, peeking into the various doorways down the hall. “Your knight in shining armor has arrived, my steed couldn’t make it through the door so it’s outside.” He chuckled at his own little joke. “You in here?” He peeked his head around the corner of a door frame to see a guest bathroom, but no Emma. 

A moan sounded from the room at the end of the hall and Ted walked quickly to the doorway. He turned into the room, obviously Paul and Emma’s bedroom, to see the woman in question collapsed on the floor outside of their master bathroom. She was still dressed in pajamas, but her tank top was stuck to her form from sweat. Her cheek was pressed into the hardwood floor with her hair stuck to her face and fanned out behind her, and her legs were resting at an uncomfortable angle. Ted quickly put together that she had tried to stand up and walk but collapsed. 

“Hey there Perkins. You’re looking a little rough.” He walked over to her and crouched at her side, taking her wrist in his hand to check her pulse. It was strong but erratic, no need to go to the hospital yet. 

“Is that Ted?” her voice was raspy in her throat, and she cleared it while pinching her face in pain. “fucking gross.” 

“Yeah, well, this isn’t how I wanted to spend my day either, sweetheart, but your boyfriend was an idiot and pushed off a huge project until the day it was due. So you're stuck with me looking after ya.”

“I don’t need to be looked after, I just have nausea, it’s just my stomach, it’s fine.” She tried lifting her head, but settled it back down after the room started to spin. “What the fuck are you doing here? Why’d Paul tell you I was sick?”

“You called him while we were talking and freaked him out.” She rolled her eyes at him and Ted let out a concerned chuckle. “Do you not remember calling him?”

“I fucking remember calling him, I’m not suffering from memory loss you ass.” Her glare was met with a laugh from Ted, only making her glower even more.

“Okay, short-stack, why don’t we get you into bed so I can tell Paul you haven’t died under my watch?” With a lot of effort, Ted managed to get Emma on her feet, and they stumbled the few steps to the bed together. He helped her under the covers as she began to shiver violently. Ted shot a quick text to Paul assuring him that Emma was alive and still lucid enough for banter.

“What’d Paul say?” She tried to make a grab at Ted’s phone when his text tone sounded, but he dodged her easily and held the phone above her head. 

“Whoa there needy! He said that he’s relieved and can’t wait to get home to you. Ugh, that’s so sappy, what a nerd.” He looked over at Emma to get a confirmation, but she had fallen silent, gripping her stomach. “Oh, shit, are you gonna yack again?”

* * *

  
  


Ted was pacing in front of the master bathroom as Emma finished throwing up for the third time since he’d arrived. She hadn’t even eaten anything, he’d been trying to give her Gatorade or just water but she couldn’t keep it down. He looked over at the nightstand as Emma’s phone started buzzing for the fourth time in a row. He had assumed it was Paul the first couple times, but now he was getting pissed off. Who needs her that badly? He strode over to the phone and blindly answered the call.

“Look, if you need to reach Emma this badly, leave a fucking text-”

“Emma dear, why aren’t you in-”

“Who the fuck are you?” Both Ted and the other male voice on the line spoke simultaneously. The other voice continued before Ted got the chance to speak up.

“Where’s Emma, why do you have her phone?”

“Relax man, she’s sick, I’m a friend of Paul’s taking care of her while he’s at work.” Ted normally wouldn’t use the word ‘friend’ to describe his relationship with Paul, but it was a lot easier to explain than any other reason why he’d be here.

“Is she not capable of answering the phone herself? I’ve called multiple times, she’s due in lecture today and I didn’t see her.” Ted became suspicious when he couldn’t place the voice immediately. It clearly wasn’t a student, he sounded like he was old enough to be in his sixties. Why would he be concerned for her well-being?

“Well, who the hell are you? If Emma’s sick Emma’s sick.” A thump from the bathroom diverted Ted’s attention and he knocked on the door, pulling the phone away from him. “Emma?! Perkins open the door!” He heard the man on the phone say something then the line went dead. Ted tried the handle to find it locked and pounded on the door, his heart racing.

Only because Paul would flay him if his girlfriend got hurt on his watch. Not because he was concerned for her health or safety. 

Ted waited a few seconds after he knocked on the door to listen for any kind of response, and getting none he ran his hands along the top of the doorway. His fingers hit a small piece of metal and he grabbed it, jamming it into the door handle. The lock gave way and he whipped open the door to see Emma collapsed on the floor, a bruise forming on her head from where she must have hit it on the counter.

“Oh, god, Emma what the fuck.” He got on the ground beside her and lifted her shoulders onto his lap to keep her head up. She was out cold, and Ted was officially freaking out. He didn’t know what to do, it’s not like he was a doctor or anything. “Okay, I think now’s the time to call an ambulance or something.” The sound of the front door opening and shutting came as Ted reached to grab Emma’s phone from the counter. Relief coursed through him; thank god Paul was so paranoid. “Paul, we’re in here!” Rapid footsteps grew closer as Ted shifted Emma on his lap, feeling her breathing change. Maybe that means she was waking up.

“Emma dear!” That same voice form the phone call came from the doorway and Ted looked up in surprise. He was an older guy, Ted had guessed that much, with grey hair and a black turtleneck sweater. He moved to the other side of her collapsed form, checking her pulse. His eyebrows furrowed in worry and he turned to Ted. “How long has she been out?”

“Since you hung up the phone probably.” Ted didn’t even stop to give some snarky comment; this was too serious.

“Any other symptoms?”

“Uh, yeah, she hasn’t eaten or drank anything, she’s got a pretty high fever, weak, she hasn’t stopped throwing up, I don’t know, a whole hell of a lot of things!” Ted rested the back of his hand on Emma’s forehead to confirm that she did indeed have a high fever.

“We need to take her to the emergency room, young man, she might have a concussion now.” The man spoke calmly but Ted could see the tremble in his hands as he stood. “I’ll keep the doorways clear if you can carry her. I’d do it myself but I’m not as strong as I used to be.” 

Ted gathered her in his arms and she groaned as he lifted her off the ground. She fell silent again until they got her situated in the backseat of the man’s car, Ted seated beside her to keep her upright.

“Ted?” her eyes were unfocused as she blinked, looking around without moving her head. “Are we in Hidgen’s car?”

The man, Hidgens, answered as he sped through a yellow light. “Yes, dear. You’re not doing too well so we’re going to the hospital to make sure you’re gonna be alright. It’s lucky your friend Ted was there to keep an eye on you, otherwise who knows what might have happened.”

“Ted’s not my friend.” Her words slurred slightly and her eyes slipped closed again as Hidgens pulled around to the emergency drop off at Hachetfield Hospital. Ted unbuckled her and scooped her up, practically running into the emergency room.

“Can I get some fucking help here?!”


	2. Tis but a scratch

Emma felt like she was floating through clouds. Or she was underwater. Everything was murky and she felt so light; was she walking through fog? Dreaming? How the fuck did she even get... wherever she was? Emma tried to remember, but for some reason the only thing her brain could come up with was Ted and Professor Hidgens in her bathroom arguing. And that can’t be real, that’s probably one of her fever dreams she gets when she’s really sick.

Somehow thinking about being sick ushered in the answers she was looking for. She had gotten sick and stayed at home, not wanting to worry Paul. She felt really hot and cold and couldn’t stop throwing up, and— 

Oh, fuck. Ted and Hidgens were in her bathroom.

The weightlessness Emma had been feeling started to fade away, and she started to become aware of her limbs and the feeling of laying down. There were scratchy sheets underneath her, and as she started to become aware of herself, the body aches and throbbing in her head started up. She groaned and attempted to roll on her side to alleviate the pain, but felt a sharp tug on her inner arm. She was brought fully to reality, and the beeping of machines in her ear quickly identified where she was.

Seriously? The fucking hospital?

Emma pried her eyes open after a few failed attempts, only to squint them back close as she tried to block out the harsh fluorescent lights. She groaned again, muttering a quiet ‘fuck’ as she tried to get her bearings.

“Hey, professor, I think she’s waking up finally.” Wait, Hidgens was still here? Who the fuck was talking to him?

“I think you may be right, Theodore.” Yep, definitely Hidgens. Theodore? Oh, god, he can’t possibly mean— 

“Ted?” Emma heard herself say his name a few seconds after she felt her mouth move, never a good sign. Probably all looped up on something. “Ugh.”

“Yeah, well, you’re not my first choice to spend the day with either, sweetheart.” Emma felt herself smirk, happy she got under his skin even when she was in a hospital bed.

“Emma, dear, could you open your eyes for us? The doctor was worried that you have a concussion and I offered to check once you woke up.” She felt Hidgens rest his hand on top of her own. They were always cold, but felt even colder as he spoke. She fought to get her eyes open and blinked away the fuzziness in her vision. Ted and Hidgens were sitting on the same side of the bed, Hidgens pulled his chair as close to her as possible while Ted kept his distance. She offered the professor a warm smile as he checked her pupils. “Ah, well, does not look like a concussion to me. I’m sure you’ll be discharged in no time.”

“Good.” Her voice was rough with disuse and she tried to clear it, pulling a face. Hidgens’ hands flitted around her nervously.

“Is there something I can do to help you, dear? What do you need?”

“Water, man, her throat must be killing her.” Ted grabbed the pitcher from the bedside table and poured her a cup, handing it off to the professor who helped Emma hold it as she drank. 

“Thanks, Ted.” she spoke quietly after she had finished, not wanting to strain her voice again. “What happened?” She looked between the two of them for an explanation. “All I remember is not feeling too hot this morning.” 

“It was a lot worse than not feeling good.” Ted spoke first, lounging in his chair. “You were all sorts of messed up. High fever, throwing up everything I tried to give you, weak and a tad delusional. You had passed out in your bathroom and I had to break in. Hit your head pretty bad on the counter. Hidgens had been on your phone wondering where you were and heard the fall. He helped me get you over here.” He checked his watch as Emma absorbed the information with a tint of blush from embarrassment at the thought of Ted finding her passed out in her bathroom. “It’s been, oh I’d say around two hours since we pulled up? They put you under to help your body heal a bit, pumped some saline in you to keep you alive and get your body rehydrated. I called Paul about an hour ago and he’s working at lightning speed to get here. Probably never worked so hard on something in his life.” 

Emma smiled at the idea of Paul working his ass off to be able to see her and the three fell into a sort of comfortable silence, the only noise being the beeping of her machines and the movement of the hospital outside of her room. She must have drifted off again because the sounds of footsteps squeaking on the tile and a few nurses shouting to stop running.

“Emma?!” Paul’s voice echoed loudly down the hall and Emma’s eyes opened quickly as she tried to sit up in her bed. Ted got up from his chair, abandoning his phone on the windowsill, and called down the hall. The squeaking of footsteps got louder and suddenly Paul was in the doorway, his suit dripping wet and his face pinched with concern. He strode into the room and took Hidgens’ seat beside her, the professor rising and wringing his hands together.

“Hey man.” It was all Emma could think to say, her mind going blank now that Paul was right beside her. She lifted a hand to rest it against his cheek and he nuzzled into it, ignoring the fact that there were two other people in the room with them.

“I was so worried about you when you called this morning, and when I got the call from Ted I couldn’t help thinking about how I had left you—”

“Don’t even worry about it, I’m the one that told you to go. I didn’t think it was as bad as it really was and I started freaking out when I couldn’t stand, so I called.” She looked into his eyes, smiling gently at him. His worry washed away and he rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand encouragingly. “I’m sorry I made you worry.” Her confession was spoken softly, hoping that only he could hear. She hated admitting she had done something wrong and the thought of Ted hearing her be vulnerable was mortifying. 

Paul pressed a soft kiss to her unbruised temple and she closed her eyes for a moment to enjoy it. “It’s okay, I don’t think anyone ever thinks that a little nausea is anything bad until it gets worse. I’m just so glad you’re okay.”

“Me too.” Emma looked around Paul to Ted and Hidgens, both standing at the edges of the room awkwardly. Emma cleared her throat, the words getting stuck. “And, uh, thank you both for taking care of me today.” 

“Oh, no need to thank me, dear, I was simply the transportation. Young Theodore here was the real hero.” Hidgens clapped Ted’s shoulder lightly and the man chuckled a little in his surprise. Emma and Ted looked at each other briefly before muttering a few things, neither one wanting to admit they cared for the other.

“Ah, well, I should be going anyway. Have to have someone at the office explain what went down, and I doubt Charlotte will tell it right any-” He cut himself off before he revealed too much, and Emma rolled her eyes. “Uh, professor? You were kinda my ride here, would you mind dropping me back off at their place so I can grab my car?” 

Hidgens got the hint and nodded quickly. “Yes, of course! We should get going now. Goodbye Emma dear, please take care of yourself, I expect you to stay home tomorrow. I’ll email you the lecture notes, feel free to ask any questions!” He continued rambling as he left, Ted following after. Then Emma and Paul were alone with the beeping of her heart monitor, and she ran her thumb over his cheekbone. Paul let out a happy rumble and mirrored her movement, resting his own hand on her cheek and pressing their foreheads together.

“Are you really doing better?” Paul’s eyes searched hers with adoration, and Emma’s stomach fluttered with something other than nausea for the first time all day.

“I am now.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Part two coming soon!


End file.
